Well, the resumes, cover letters and oh so perdy pictures have all been sent in. Now, I'm simply playing the waiting game. I'm nervous. My very first big girl job. on the other side of the world. Nervousness seems to represent me right now. I'm nervous for several reasons.

I'm leaving home for the very first time. I'm not moving a half an hour away, i'm moving half way around the world.

I'm bad with change. It doesn't matter if it's simply moving my furniture around, I have trouble with it. I always have.

I'll be leaving my job at Hallmark. Which I LOVE. (More Change). If Hallmark actually paid well, I could see moving up into their ranks. I suppose I always could..when I get back...but seriously, I love my job and the people I work with and I really really don't want to leave. and if I come back for graduate school and go locally, there is no guarantee that I can get my job back. :-(

I'm going to miss my family. My grandma. My Cat and even my Fish. Like I said, leaving home for the first time. the idea of leaving my family makes me tear up and instant panic hits. what can I say, I'm a homebody. BUT I have to leave sometime..it's not like I can stay here forever. I'm just SO bad with change. it begins to evoke panic in me. i've been panicing a lot lately.

and most of all, I'm afraid of something happening while I'm gone. what if someone were to get hurt? even die? I don't know if I could forgive myself for not being there, for not spending as much time with everyone as possible. something like that could quite possibly destroy me. a worrier's worst nightmare come true.

I'm even nervous about my cat. I mean, he's MY cat (attachment and personality wise)and I feel really really bad leaving him behind. will he do ok? I spoil him a LOT and i'm worried that he won't do very well when I leave. plus, i'm pretty attached myself. it will be hard for me to leave him behind.

Like I said. NERVOUS.

and it really doesn't help to have people constantly saying "I think this may be too big of a leap for you" "I don't want to go into this if you have reservations. you always have options". I mean, they're right. but that's not really what I want to be hearing. I need encouragement. encouragement that It's going to be ok, that I'm going to do great, that everyone will be ok while i'm gone. etc, etc.

I mean, of course i'm going to be nervous. I'm moving half way across the world. I'll be moving into my very first place, living alone for my very first time. in a new place, where 99% of the people don't speak english.

I am afraid. afraid that I'll get over there and won't be able to handle it. perhaps I'll hate it. I've always had trouble fitting in with people my own age. what if I don't make any friends? and I don't like to drink/go clubbing, which I know is a very popular past time with most people my age, so perhaps I won't be able to find anyone to hang out with. That could be incredibly lonely. I feel that a lot of people who go overseas already know people there or are going with someone else. Me? I'm going all by myself, not knowing anyone, completely alone. eek!

but at the same time, I feel that if I were to go straight into graduate school, i'd build a life, maybe find someone and then I'll never get the chance to go overseas and teach. So perhaps it's a do or die situation?

However, I also think that taking a year off is smart for me. I know that I want to go into graduate school but for what exactly, I'm not sure. I could get my MA in education and get a teaching certificate. I could go into a PhD program for ESL. I could even go into a MFA program for creative writing. I'm not sure what I want to do yet. and If I do decide to go into teaching, I don't know if I want to teach Language Arts, Early Childgood Education or ESL. Which focus, which age group. It's all stuff I have to know and I don't. So a year doing what I think I want to do, would not only allow me to make my decision and experience it first hand, but it will also give me an edge when it comes to getting into graduate school, especially considering the fact that if go overseas for a year, I'll no longer be ahead of the game and I'll be applying with people my own age.

My other saving grace, if I hate everything else, would be that I really really love to work with kids. I've been working with kids since age 12 and I just really love it. I think that I will love teaching and no matter how bad the social situation could be, being able to go into a classroom full of kids and work and play with them would just be amazing. I have so many fun ideas for working with kids. whether i'd actually be able to do them of not, I have no idea. I also have a lot of fun ideas for if I became a language arts teacher in the future or a college level ESL teacher. SO many ideas. lol. So yes, teaching is what I want to do (I think) and I think that going overseas and teaching for a year would be the best experience and teacher trial a 20 year olf fresh graduate could ever get the change to do!

Don't get me wrong, I know I sound ill prepared, mentally, but I'm not rushing into anything and I know exactly what I'm getting myself into. After all, I've been planning this for almost 2 years now. However, I'm a worrier (not to mention a cotrol freak planner) and I can't help but be nervous and worry. For a person who has to have everything planned out, the uncertainty is deadly.

I want to remain a kid forever, living with the whole family, family vacations, family movie nights with awesome homecooked meals, girl's night, watching our tv shows together, doing family holiday traditions together. If I move out, will all of that go away? in a way, yes. nothing will ever be the same and that crushes my hear in more than one way. but I'm no Peter Pan and i'm certainly not a kid anymore.

I guess I just need to pull myself up from my bootstraps, channel some "I CAN DO IT MYSELF" energy and start to move into the next chapter of my life.

Listen to me... I'm freaking out and I don't even have a job yet! I think that's part of the problem though. once I have a job and location set up, I'll feel more at ease because then I can begin to plan (like I said, planner. lol).

So anyways....now that i've ranted a bit and cleared my head, I'm going to bed :-)

Toodles and Schnoogles,

K.C.